2007 Hemcher Cup Preview Guide
By Anthony Lampazzi
Assistant to the Commissioner
In 2007 The Hemcher Cup will celebrate its 15th anniversary. To honor such a significant milestone we thought the best way to preview the upcoming tournament would be with the help of the one movie that has probably had the most impact on every single owner in this league…..
“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”
Pulp Fiction has been viewed in part or in its entirety by the owners of this league more times than I care to count, so it’s only fitting that we allow that movie to help tell the story of where this year’s tournament will go.
“Now this is Panda, from Mexico. Very good stuff. This is Bava, different, but equally good. And this is Choco from the Hartz Mountains of Germany. Now the first two are the same, forty-five an ounce — those are friend prices– but this one…this one’s a little more expensive. It’s fifty-five. But when you shoot it, you’ll know where that extra money went. Nothing wrong with the first two. It’s real, real, real, good shit. But this one’s a fuckin’ madman.”
6th Place 504pts: Team Lampazzi
Since 1995 this team has finished 4th or lower 7 times, in case you are high, that’s not good. They think they know what they are doing but they haven’t a clue. You could sell them a bag of sugar, tell them it was Choco, take his money and watch him think he was getting high. Luckily for them Villanova was a big team last year and like a blind squirrel they couldn’t miss with Randy Foye with the overall #2 pick which led to a 3rd place finish. Maybe a trip to Amsterdam might help this team figure out what is good and what is crap. Better luck next year.
“I just been sittin’ here thinkin’.
The miracle we witnessed.
The miracle you witnessed. I witnessed a freak occurrence.
Do you know what a miracle is?
An act of God.
What’s an act of God?
I guess it’s when God makes the impossible possible. And I’m sorry Jules, but I don’t think what happened this morning qualifies”
5th Place 513pts: Team Poli
What a magical year 2006 was for Team Poli. After years and years of futility, Team Poli finally broke thru and won its first title ever. Some may think this was a miraculous event, others may be more skeptical like Vincent, thinking it to be more of a freak occurrence. Team President & CEO Matt Poli has stated publicly that they followed a very specific strategy last year, namely they followed the lead of Team Knight and drafted players from the same teams that Team Knight drafted from. Now obviously they drafted better players than Team Knight from those teams, but the basic strategy makes us question the staying power of Team Poli, especially when you realize they have the #1 pick this year and for at least one round will have to set the pace on their own. Miracle? Freak Occurrence? Who knows and does it really matter, Team Poli got their Cup in 2006 and no one can take that away. Let’s see how they follow up their success….
Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster’s Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET shit on us! What flavor is this?
Knock it off, Jules.
I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I’m the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it
4th Place 517pts: Team Tons
There’s no need to patronize Team Tons by telling them how good their teams have been. It could be argued that Team Tons is the 3rd most successful franchise in the league. They have the 3rd highest running point total, the 1997 Championship, three 2nd place finishes, highest single year score (749pts) and yet it seems like they have to be told how good their coffee is. They are sick of hearing how good it is, they know its good and they just want to nail down that 2nd title, but we think they’ll come up short of that goal this year with a 4th place finish. The 4th drafting position hasn’t been kind to Team Tons. Since 1995 they’ve had this spot three times posting two 5th place finishes and a 3rd place finish, we see them ending in the middle of those two spots this year with a 4th place finish.
Fine job, gentlemen. We may get out of this yet.
I can’t believe that’s the same car.
Well, let’s not start suckin’ each other’s dicks quite yet. Phase one is complete, clean the car, which moves us right along to phase two, clean you two.
3rd Place 590pts: Team Gannon
Team Gannon is the 2nd most successful franchise in the history of the league with its Four Championships, two of which came between 2002 – 2004. Starting in 2001 Team Gannon alternated with Team Knight for championships until they ended the streak by not winning the cup in 2006. Perhaps there was a little too much self congratulations and the sucking of each other’s, um, lollypops, with the belief that they would take home their fifth cup last year without much effort. They may have begun congratulating themselves a little too early last year. Look for a better finish than last year’s 4th place finish, but we aren’t ready to move them back into the Championship bracket just yet….
“Now the night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting, that’s pride fuckin’ wit ya. Fuck pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps. Fight through that shit. ‘Cause a year from now, when you’re kickin’ it in the Caribbean you’re gonna say, ‘Marsellus Wallace was right.’
I got no problem with that.
In the fifth, your ass goes down.
In the fifth, my ass goes down.”
2nd Place 601pts: Team Knight
What happened to Team Knight in 2006? Did they take a payoff and throw the title? Did they have a bad year? Since 2001, this team has finished 1st three times and 2nd twice, that’s a pretty solid track record. And their pattern would indicate another title this year, as they’ve won every other year since 2001. Pride probably won’t let them finish 2007 without their 7th cup but just like nobody roots for the House in Blackjack we can’t pick Team Knight to win……
Which leaves us with, oh man, not again…..last year they picked Team Knight to be the bridesmaid to Team Poli, and guess who they will be bridesmaid to this year…….
“The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you”
1st Place 632pts: Team Zucker
When you read the last two team projections they probably don’t make sense; the stalwart of the league is picked 2nd while the team that um, has um been um….somewhat championship challenged is picked first? It probably doesn’t make much sense but we did witness a miracle or freak occurrence last year with Team Poli and since we are celebrating Pulp Fiction in this article it only seems fitting that a team that has struggled as much as Team Zucker finally get their gold watch. They’ve finished dead last four times in the last 6 years, and broke their own record for lowest team points last year with a paltry 324pts, Team Poli more than doubled them with 652pts. It’s been a painful last couple of years for Team Zucker, I’m not sure if it’s been more painful than hiding a gold watch up your ass but it hasn’t been pleasant, that’s for sure. Congratulations to Team Zucker!
As usual this scouting report is provided for entertainment purposes only, please no wagering.
Speaking of wagering, we’ll see you in Las Vegas!!!