The Hemcher Cup XXIV Preview Guide
…you said you wanted to get a Cup. Do you really wanna get a Cup? You see what I’m saying
is, what are you prepared to do?
Anything within the bylaws of the league.
And *then* what are you prepared to do? If you open the can on these worms you must be
prepared to go all the way. Because they’re not gonna give up the fight, until one of you is out of players.
I want to get a Cup! I don’t know how to do it.
You wanna know how to get a Cup? Knight drafts a Sooner, you draft a Sooner. Knight drafts a
Tar Heel, you draft a Tar Heel. He sends one of yours to the bench with a twisted ankle, you
send one of his to the trainer’s room with a Flagrant 2. *That’s* the *Hemcher* way! And that’s
how you get a Cup. Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that? I’m offering you a
deal. Do you want this deal?
I have sworn to win a Cup with all legal powers at my disposal, or at least until I lose interest on
draft night after my 10th round pick, and I will do so.
Well, the Lord hates a coward.
Do you know what a dirt closet is, Mr. Poli? Good, ’cause you just shat in one
They’re gonna give daddy the Rainman suite, you dig that?
Do you think we’ll get there by midnight?
Baby, we’re going to be up five hundy by midnight!
– Mike & Trent “Swingers”
6th Place: Team Zucker
Last Title 2008. Current Title Drought: 7 Years
Most recent five year averages; Points: 429, Draft Position: 3.0, Finish: 5.4
Mike and Trent might get to five hundy by midnight but you know who hasn’t seen five hundy in years?
Team Zucker, that’s who. Though Team Zucker may be the annual sentimental favorite, the lack of
production over the last five years has caused this publication to no longer be able to project them to
contend for the title without putting our journalistic integrity at risk. Yes, this team is colorful and yes
they make unorthodox picks but sooner or later they need to start putting pelts on the wall or they will
quickly begin to lose season ticket holders to their cross borough rival. Team Zucker has not broken the
500 point barrier since 2009 and hasn’t finished higher than they drafted since 2008 when they won
their last cup drafting out the #2 position. The good thing about The Hemcher Cup is that each team
starts with a fresh slate every year so there’s always a chance for Team Zucker to rise up, but based on
their recent trend of finishing lower than where they start, there’s only one option for them to finish
considering they are drafting in the 5th position. Perhaps Team Zucker would be more comfortable at
one of our lower stakes leagues?
The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
You mean, not good, like one out of a hundred?
I’d say more like one out of a million.
So you’re telling me there’s a chance. YEAH!”
– Lloyd Christmas & Mary Swanson “Dumb & Dumber”
5th Place: Team Lampazzi
Last Title 2014. Current Title Drought: 1 Year
Most recent five year averages; Points: 520, Draft Position: 2.4, Finish: 3.6
Team Lampazzi put up an admirable title defense last year, finishing in 3rd place just 29 points out of the
top spot which gives us hope that they have left their normally lackluster performances in the past and
are now marginally better than a maddeningly mediocre team. But there are a couple of troubling
trends to contend with for this team. The first being that as of late this team has become very cautious
when it comes to drafting Villanova Wildcats, with their last being Mouphtau Yarou in 2010. Even more
concerning than the apparent shunning of Wildcats is that in the recorded history of The Hemcher Cup,
there is only one draft position which has never won a championship and that spot is the same spot that
Team Lampazzi has this year, draft position #4. We have draft position history back to 1995 and for
those 21 Championships (22 with the tie of 1998), no one drafting in the 4th position has won a cup.
During the recorded history of the league, the distribution of champions by draft positions is as follows:
#1: 4 (18%)
#2: 5 (23%)
#3: 4 (18%)
#4: 0 (0%)
#5: 5 (23%)
#6: 4 (18%)
So apparently the only draft position you don’t want is #4 and that’s what Team Lampazzi has this year.
Based on that, it appears that Lloyd has a better chance with Mary than Team Lampazzi does of winning.
And was there anything of value in the car?
Oh, uh, yeah, uh… a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh… uh, my briefcase.
In the briefcase?
Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers. Do you find them much, these, stolen cars?
Sometimes. Wouldn’t hold out much hope for the tape deck though. Or the Creedence.
– The Dude & The LAPD “The Big Lebowski”
4th Place: Team Tonsmeire
Last Title 2011, Current Title Drought: 4 Years
Most recent five year averages; Points: 488, Draft Position: 2.2, Finish: 4.0
The Hemcher Cup Preview Guide is beginning to think that the championship blueprint used by Team
Tonsmeire in 2011 was either accidently left behind in the land down under, or is being held by a fifteen
year old brat named Larry Sellers who lives in North Hollywood, on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger.
Larry may have found that paperwork in an old Ford Taurus that was abandoned in California years ago.
Regardless of where their draft night strategy guide resides, in the four years since the last
championship, Team Tonsmeire has finished 6th, 4th, 4th, and 5th. Could this be the year that Team
Tonsmeire turns it around? They did get the #1 pick, but we just told you before that for the most part
draft position has no real impact on a Team’s ability to win a title as historically you are just as likely to
win picking #1 as you are if picking #6. They did demonstrate quite a degree of confidence in
themselves by not waiting weeks to make their pick but waiting only minutes. They have the benefit of
drafting on US soil this year but with the recent expansion of the Team’s headcount to add another
junior member to the scouting department, we have to wonder if they will spend more time watching
west coast buzzer beaters half asleep during those 3 AM feedings, than truly scouting for their 2nd round
pick. This team will probably have to settle for a Dora The Explorer Sippy Cup instead of a Hemcher Cup
this year. Team Tonsmeire will have to abide man.
You graduated six years ago. What have you been doing?
Studying, for the bar.
That’s a Iot of studying.
WeII, to be honest with you, I, uh I didn’t pass my first time out.
That’s OK. You passed the second time?
I’m afraid not.
Three times a charm?
Not for me it isn’t. No. For me, six times was a charm.
– Vincent Gambini, Bill Gambini, & Stan Rothenstein “My Cousin Vinny”
3rd Place: Team Poli
Last Title 2006. Current Title Drought: 9 years
Most recent five year averages; Points: 535, Draft Position: 4.6, Finish: 2.8
When Team Lampazzi finally broke thru and won in 2014, Team Poli took over ownership of the longest
active championship drought which now stands at 9 years. Although he has the longest drought, he
hasn’t been that far off from ending it. During this time he finished in 2nd place three years in a row from
2010 to 2012. Speaking of second place finishes, it’s worth noting that Team Poli has spent as many
years in second place as Vinny took to pass the bar, six, which is definitely a record for the Hemcher Cup
and very well could be for the legal profession. But, Vinny proved that you should not judge a book by its
cover and the same holds true for Team Poli. His most recent five year scoring average of 535 points
trails only Teams Knight and Gannon. When you take into account Team Poli’s ability to put up points
and to finish near the top, it’s clear that he is a legitimate threat year in and year out to win a
championship but for whatever reason he just can’t break through. Even last year’s disappointing finish
of 4th leaves the team with optimism as they had the 2nd most games played at 47. Having so many
games played means that they found players that lasted but unfortunately those players combined for
the lowest PPG average of all Hemcher Cup teams last year. So in summation your honor we think
there’s hope for Team Poli in 2016 but we see the usual storyline of them being competitive but not
being able to put it all together and cut down the nets. Did you just draft a Ute?
The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and…
Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten? Does that mean it’s louder? Is it any louder?
Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it? It’s not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re
on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your guitar. Where can
you go from there? Where?
I don’t know.
Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Put it up to eleven.
Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
[pause] These go to eleven.
– Nigel Tufnel & Marty DiBergi “This is Spinal Tap”
2nd Place: Team Knight
Last Title 2015. Current Title Drought: 0 years
Most recent five year averages; Points: 558, Draft Position: 4.8, Finish: 2.6
In 2015 Team Knight set a new league record by winning its third title in four years which actually broke
their previous record of three cups in five years during their title runs between 2001 to 2005. Not only
did they make history by winning their third cup in four years but they broke new ground by becoming
the first team to post double digits for championships with 10. Excluding the five championships won by
Team Gannon, Team Knight now has more titles than the combined output of every other team in the
league. But before we get too crazy, let’s understand that last year’s cup was no walk in the park for
Team Knight, a cup that he won by a mere two points! Team Knight had to grind out last year’s
championship as he had the 2nd lowest PPG average of 11.3. Team Knight began the championship game
up 15 points and held the lead all the way until the under 4 minute time out of the 2nd half at which
point Team Gannon actually took a 2pt lead, which turned out to be short lived as Team Knight was able
to overcome and retake the lead to hold off Team Gannon for its tenth title in twenty three years. Will
they be content to stand on ten in 2016 or will they need to go one louder?
No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that… was… *awesome*.
[bursts out laughing]…but, sorry about your car, man. That…That sucks.
– Tommy Callahan & Richard Hayden “Tommy Boy”
1st Place: Team Gannon
Last Title 2010. Current Title Drought: 5 Years
Most recent five year averages; Points: 550, Draft Position: 4.0, Finish: 2.6
What a gut punch that title game was for Team Gannon. After trailing for the majority of the game, he
managed to take the lead over Team Knight with less than four minutes to go in the game. Even with
Team Knight retaking the lead, Team Gannon still had bullets in the gun, but free throws by Justise
Winslow and a desperation three by Sam Dekker all fell short. What looked to be sweet revenge some
17 years in the making as payback for the infamous Wayne Turner split championship of 1998 would
come up as frustratingly short as you could possibly imagine. Some may wonder if Team Gannon has
the resolve to come back from such a crushing defeat as last year but we at The Hemcher Cup Preview
Guide think that he can. Though the gap is widening, Team Gannon is still the 2nd most successful
franchise in league history and when you consider how close 1998 and 2015 were, it’s not that
farfetched to think that the championship tally could easily be Team Gannon with 6 and Team Knight
with 8, had the outcomes of those years just been a few points different. But alas, the points didn’t go
his way and now he stands five championships behind Team Knight. We think he gets one of those back
this year and closes the gap just a bit. And hey, you could get a good look at your butcher’s ass by
sticking your head up there, but wouldn’t you rather just take our word for who’s going to win this year?
As usual this guide is written for entertainment purposes only, please no wagering.
Good luck to all and LET’S GO CATS!