2010 HEMCHER CUP PREVIEW GUIDE
HEMCHER CUP XVIII
By Anthony Lampazzi, Assistant to the Commissioner
Since its inception in 1993, the Hemcher Cup Championship has been dominated by a small number of franchises. Of the 17 previous champions, two franchises have accounted for 10 of those titles (9 individually and 1 championship tie). In an effort to try to get more Hemcher Cup Owners involved and increase the overall competitive landscape of the contest, the league decided to bring in a motivational speaker prior to this year’s draft. No video cameras were allowed in this closed door meeting, but THCPG (The Hemcher Cup Preview Guide) was able to obtain the following transcript of what took place and this one picture of the key note speaker……
Official Meeting Transcript follows below:
….“You’re talking about what. You’re talking about… Bitching about that #3 draft pick you blew, some son-of-a-bitch who don’t wanna play in the 1st round game due to a twisted ankle, the fact that you got the #5 drafting position for the 3rd year in a row, and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. They all here?
All but one.
I’m going anyway.
Let’s talk about something important.
Put That coffee Down. Coffee’s for Hemcher Cup Champions only.
You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from DG. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Lampazzi? You call yourself a Hemcher Cup Champion you son of a bitch?
I don’t gotta sit here and listen to this shit.
You certainly don’t pal, ’cause the good news is – you’re kicked out of the league. The bad news is – you’ve got, all of you’ve got just one tournament to regain your franchises, starting with this tournament. Starting with this year’s tournament draft.
Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. “Cause we’re adding a little something to this year’s contest. As you all know first prize is a trophy with your name on it.
Anyone wanna see second prize?
Second prize is an autographed copy of Steve Lappas’ VHS tape on how to run a motion offense (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=node%3D3375301&field-keywords=championship+productions%2C+lappas).
Third prize is your franchise is taken away. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got a draft preview. DG paid good money for that preview, get their names to draft them. You can’t draft good players from the previews you’re given you can’t draft shit. You ARE shit. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it ’cause you are going OUT.
The draft previews are weak.
The draft previews are weak? Fucking previews are weak. You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years…
What’s your name?
Fuck you. That’s my name. You know why, mister?
You drove a 1994 Ford Taurus with no hub caps to get here tonight. I drove an eighty-thousand dollar Total Home Comfort Van. THAT’S my name. And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in the man’s game, you can’t draft great players – go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to score points in every round. You hear me you fucking faggots?
Always be cupping. ALWAYS BE CUPPING.
A-I-D-A. Attention, Interest, Decision, Action.
Attention – Do I have your attention?
Interest – Are you interested? I know you are, because it’s fuck or walk. You win the cup or you hit the bricks.
Decision – Have you made your decision of who you will pick first?
Get out there – you get the player’s highlights every night on ESPN. You think they were put on there to get out of the rain? A guy don’t get on Sporstcenter lest he wants to get drafted. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their points. Are you gonna draft them? Are you man enough to draft them?
What’s the problem, pal? You – Poli.
You’re such a hero, you’re so rich, how come you’re coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?
You see this picture of my trophy case? You see this picture of my trophy case?
My trophy case has more trophies in it from last year than you won in your life. I scored 815pts last year. How much did you score? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna stay in this league – win cups! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get when you don’t have any players left in the Sweet Sixteen? You don’t like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the draft preview you’ve got and pick myself three 90pt scorers. This year! In one draft! Can you? Can YOU? Go and do likewise. A-I-D-A. Get mad you son of a bitches. Get mad!
You want to know what it takes to win Hemcher Cups? It takes BRASS BALLS to win Hemcher Cups. Go and do likewise gents. The Players are out there. You pick the right ones, the cup is yours. You don’t, I got no sympathy for you.
You wanna go to the draft next month and pick good players. Pick them and The Cup is yours. If not you’re gonna be shining my Cup. And you know what you’ll be saying – a bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. ‘Oh yeah. I used to be a Hemcher Cup franchise. It’s a tough racket.’
These are the new draft previews. These are the Glengarry previews. And to you they’re gold, and you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for Cuppers only. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.
And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I’m here on a mission of mercy. I came here because DG asked me to. He asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and kick out your franchise because a loser is a loser…….
(End of meeting transcript)
Only time will tell if it will have any impact for the owners in this year’s contest. And with that here’s our projection for the order of finish:
6th Place: Team Lampazzi
(2009 Finish: 6th place)
Continued poor performance, obviously didn’t listen to anything the motivational speaker talked about. Looking to extend his Championship drought to 10 years.
5th Place: Team Zucker
(2009 Finish: 5th Place)
A fan favorite but another team that goes with sustained droughts between titles. The first title was in 1999, the next one was just two years ago in 2008. Based on that recent title we don’t see another championship on the horizon for at least four or five more years.
4th Place: Team Tons
(2009 Finish: 3rd Place)
Usually a competitive franchise but with all of the time he’s spending down under he’s likely to draft someone like Andrew Gaze with his 1st pick, which would not be good. By the way, do basketballs roll in the cylinder counter clockwise in Australia?
3rd Place: Team Poli
(2009 Finish: 4th Place)
A team that is up and down, but is trying to distance itself from its history of poor performance. Although, this particular owner was hoping that Ron Jaworski would have been brought in to give the keynote address, he still listened to what was presented and is using its message to help finish in the top half of this year’s contenders.
2nd Place: Team Knight
(2009 Finish: 1st Place)
This team is always a threat to win a title (7 in 17 years) but history has shown us that after his last two titles in 2003 and 2005, Team Knight has finished the next year as a runner up. 2010 will not be the year he breaks that trend.
1st Place: Team Gannon
(2009 Finish: 2nd Place)
Another team that has had lots of Hemcher Cup success (4 titles in 17 years). For the last two years however, Team Gannon has finished in 2nd place but we think in 2010 the 3rd time will be the charm as he will take home his 5th Cup.
So even after that motivational speech, it looks like the league will shake out like it usually does with Gannon and Knight leading the way with Lampazzi finishing last and Tons, Zuck and Poli jockeying for position to finish 3rd.
As always, this guide is for entertainment purposes only, please no wagering.