The 2006 Hemcher Cup Preview Guide
Welcome to the 14th installment of the greatest sporting event in the history of man kind. We are just a few weeks away from Hemcher Cup IVX, and this year’s tournament is expected to be the best ever. As we prepare for the upcoming contest we have to wonder; Will Team Knight continue its dominance and win its 7th title, Can Team Gannon add its 5th trophy to the ever expanding mantle, Can Team Poli finally break through and win its first ever championship, and Can this guide still have any humor in it after 14 years? Well wonder no more, those answers and more can be found in the forecast below. With a little help from “Anchorman” we will give you the answers you are searching for. (Thanks to the Sports Guy for not suing me for plagiarism).
I think I was in love once.
Really? What was her name?
I don’t remember.
That’s not a good start, but keep going…
She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again. I’m pretty sure that’s not love.
6th Place Team Lamp 496pts.
Every year this Team talks about how its going to win another title and every year they don’t. With the exception of 1993 when the league was just getting organized and 2000 when they won with the lowest team score ever, what has this team done? Not much except for one second place finish. In other words they have no clue, kind of like Brian Fantana’s view of Love. The one thing to take note of is the last time this team drafted #2, it won the cup.
The bottom line is you’ve been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You’re a member of the Channel Four News Team!
That’s a given.
We need you. Hell, I need you. I’m a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
5th Place Team Gannon 500pts
If you look at the last 5 years of the Hemcher Cup, you’ll notice a pattern of Knight, Gannon, Knight, Gannon, Knight….it would seem a given for Gannon to continue the pattern but we expect a real dilemma here for Team Gannon, much like what confronted Ron Burgandy in having to choose between Veronica Corningstone and the Channel 4 News team, does Team Gannon take Adam Morrison (26pt avg for Team Gannon in 2005) or TBAW (The Best Available Wildcat)? Knowing Morrison won’t be available in round 2 he’ll need to make a difficult choice. We think Team Gannon will struggle with this selection and as such will cause his draft to spiral out of control.
Boy, that escalated quickly… I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
It jumped up a notch!
It did, didn’t it?
Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Brick, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you’re probably wanted for murder.
4th Place Team Zucker 501pts
By the time Team Zucker drafts at #5, the run on Wildcats much like the Newsman Rumble may have escalated quickly. We are confident that Team Zucker will not miss out on an opportunity to draft a wildcat, after all he did secure the services of Eric Eberz in 1995 and add his 2pts to his franchises running total. We think Team Zucker will post a respectable final score but with the lack of colorful players in the college game this year we wonder where will Team Zucker turn to fill out his roster in his quest for the All Time All Hairdo squad.
What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You’re about to get a serious beatdown.
I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Hey, leave the mothers out of this – all right?; it’s unnecessary. Besides, I’m sure Wes here is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.
3rd Place Team Tons 555pts
What a frustrating year 2005 was for Team Tons, although it was his first finish in the top two since 2000, he did score 699pts but he was still 41 pts short of first place. In many years 699pts would have been enough to claim a cup but not last year. In 2005 Team Tons could sympathize with the frustration felt by Wes Mantooth at the hands of finishing second to Ron Burgandy. 2006 will be a good run for Team Tons, a respectable 3rd place finish will be in the cards.
Time to musk up.
What cologne are you going to go with? London Gentleman? Black Beard’s Delight?
No, she gets the special cologne. Sex Panther, made by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries. It contains real panther bits, so you know it’s good.
It’s quite pungent. It’s a formidable scent.
They’ve done studies you know- 60% of the time, it works every time.
That doesn’t make any sense
2nd Place Team Knight 699pts
Over the last 5 years, Team Knight has won 3 Titles…..60% of the time he wins everytime during that stretch. Over the first 13 years, Team Knight has 6 titles and 2 second place finishes, truly a dominant performance but history would tell us that over the last 5 years he wins every other year so for this year we’ll project him with his 3rd second place finish, a successful year for most Hemcher Franchises but one that will be received less than favorably by the fan base in New England.
Lets see, so we just projected Team’s Lampazzi, Gannon, Zucker, Tons, and Team Knight….who is missing? What franchise hasn’t gotten any ink yet?….they couldn’t be picking…no way, I mean seriously are they thinking that Team Poli can win this thing?
I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal.
People know me.
Well, I’m very happy for you.
I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
1st Place Team Poli 741pts
Up until this year Team Poli would have to provide this type of commentary to make people aware of how good his teams have been because the public perception is that Team Poli has been the permanent resident of the Hemcher Cup basement. In reality Poli has had three 2nd place finishes, a record he shares with Team Tons and is only one Championship behind both Tean Tons and Team Zucker. The sad news is that Team Poli has also had four 6th place finishes so the reputation is not totally unwarranted. This team should be able to benefit from the run on Villanova Wildcats in round 1 and should have a couple of top scorers on other teams still available at #6 and #7. If this team drafts wisely early, it should catapult them to a title run. We are so confident in this selection that not only will this franchise win out of the 6th spot this year but they will also set the total pts record by dropping 741pts.
Well, that’s the projection for this year, remember this guide is created for entertainment purposes, no gambling please. It should be a great tournament.
Which is more likely a championship for Nova or Poli? Only time will tell…..